As the year winds down, you’re probably taking stock of your career and might be considering a move out of Big Law. Your firm’s holiday party can provide the perfect opportunity for you to “pursue other interests” if you handle yourself right. With these how-to party tips, we’ll guarantee that you’ll never work at a major law firm—or any firm—for the rest of your life.

Here are our suggestions. You’re welcome.

 

Proposition your assistant. With the Harvey Weinstein brouhaha in full effect, there’s never been a better time to destroy your career with a sexual harassment scandal. Bonus points if you’re married.

 

Get super drunk. We’ve all heard the statistics about lawyers’ substance abuse problems being worse than in other professions. This holiday season, prove the sociologists right.

 

Try out your new dance moves. Especially impressive if accompanied by the jazz combo hired for the party.

 

Smoke ’em if you got ’em. Go ahead and fire up a cig. Cancer schmancer. Come on, people. It’s a party!

 

For that matter, smoke a doob. Consider it your personal tribute to the firm’s Denver office.

 

Get creative with your wardrobe. Pants? Who needs ’em? A bra? Those are for losers.

 

Roast the firm’s chairman. The holiday party is a great opportunity to rib the boss. A round of toasts poking fun at his coffee breath and second-tier alma mater is sure to strike the right note.

 

Bring a Santa bag. And load it up with sex toys for your favorite colleagues. Let them know you’re thinking of them during the holidays.

 

Talk lots of politics and religion. If not now, when?

 

Be the last one to leave. Even better if you’re passed out under a table.

 

Call in sick the next day. Use the excuse of an ungodly hangover. Chances are, however, you’ve already been fired. Mission accomplished!